Can it be?

I'm pretty sure nobody even reads this anymore, not that I would blame them. When you don't update something for 16 months or so people lose interest and that includes the four people besides me who have ever looked at this blog.

My last post was attempting to reflect on the fact that I had just finished my thesis. I am now several months removed from that process and I can say definitively that the thesis experience was both intense and valuable. It appears that another intense and valuable experience may be on the horizon for me. But in the meantime, intense valuable life is occurring. Family life has been intensely occurring since the spring, and it appears that hopefully, just maybe, things will settle down for a moment or two.

Oh well, I was writing to kill time and now I'm out of it, so peace.

Milestones . . . I guess

As I sit here at work at 5:08 in the morning, desperately trying to stay awake, I'm trying to force my brain to do the kind of thinking that keeps people up. Yesterday turned out to be quite the combo day. In addition to being my birthday, it was the day that I finally washed my hands of my thesis: I officially submitted it to the library in hard copy for binding. In the process of accomplishing this awesome day I managed to forget to work in my typical afternoon sleep installment. Thus my skull feels like it is approximately triple it normally enormous dimensions. Indeed, my forehead feels extra heavy this morning.

I've been trying to reflect on the experience that was writing a thesis. I think I'm still a little too close to it. It hasn't even really sunk in that I'm done with it. Nevertheless, I am yet again entering one of those transition times in my life that I often find myself writing about the uncertainty of the future. I feel like I have officially raised my own bar at this point, and that it is going to be harder to continue to impress myself.

At this point my only resolution is to do absolutely nothing constructive for a little while. But since my blog has been notoriously neglected while I was writing my thesis, I thought that I should write a little something here before blogspot deleted my account. I look forward to hopefully posting on here more than once a year for a while. Perhaps my research exhausted brain will slip back to its old ways.

They Got Game

As is my common practice, this most recent Friday I went home to run some errands and see my mother, and go shopping with said mother. When we go shopping we typically go to lunch as well. On this particular occasion due to various veto's of other places by myself and my sister, who joined us, we ended up lunching at Applebees.
No problems so far, but as we entered the establishment I noticed two Gentlemen at the bar.
Again nothing out of the ordinary except its 12:30 on a Friday afternoon and these guys already have several under their belts.
Unfortunately the story doesn't end there and the two gentlemen slowly spent the next hour revealing that they are indeed King McDouche and Superchatch.
The restaurant was playing cheesy pop radio at a moderate volume, and so it happened that my sister and myself ended up singing Styx's "Babe" at a slightly less than moderate volume. During the course of the duet I noticed that some people in the next booth over were getting slightly annoyed at our vocal stylings, so I continued at a louder volume. It was then that King McDouche looked over his shoulder and started to try and intimidate me, but then wisely saw the futility of this action and changed his mind.
By the time we left I was wishing he had started a fight with me, at least that would have been over fast. Instead I got to listen to his and his buddy's witty reparte as they shamelessly flirted with the bartender who was approximately ten years tounger than them (I'm guessing) and did so with a level of "game" so similar to junior high that for a moment I thought I was at a CCU open dorm.
But the piece de resistance was to occur right before I departed, sane only by the grace of God and having not suffered a stroke only due to my youth. What follows is a direct quote to help you realize what I was listening to; to set up the context the two kings of crunk had recognized that there was a light out above the bar.
"You know, size matters. Even in light bulbs."
And of course you know the rest of the story, without missing a beat the bartender ripped off her trousers and proceeded to throw her underwear at the gentleman while straddling the bar and talking dirty with her eyes. And if you think that really happened you are a thirteen year old male.
Somehow the bartender managed to not laugh in his face, I managed not to have an aneurysm, and the world managed to keep spinning.
Wow. The sheer stupidity of the above quote is nearly immeasurable. To illustrate lets examine something that I heard a guy I had just met whose name I don't remember say one time: "A euphemism could mean anything. YEAH BOYS!!! I'M GOING TO GO HOME A PUT TOGETHER A 500 PIECE JIGSAW PUZZLE WITH HER TONIGHT." Ok fine, you're trying to get what I assume you thought was an attractive woman to think about the size of your penis. I sort of understand that. So you pull out your go-to imagery, (drum roll) the light bulb. WTF??? The light bulb? I think we missed a stop on the logic train. This line is so stupid that it sounds like a line that I would make up and use as a joke to set up one of my friends for a "Thats what she said!"
So naturally this all got me thinking about women again (most things do eventually) and pick up lines. I'm convinced its all about who is delivering the line and not what they say. This is a natural extension of ladder theory. If a woman likes the guy it doesn't matter what he says; he could claim to be a drug addict looking for someone to use and forget and she wouldn't care, especially if he looks rich. If she doesn't like the guy he could say the most charming, clever thing imaginable and she would probably make a comment about his lack of maturity before storming off to complain to her friends.
Clearly the bartender wasn't impressed (not that I can blame her), although in this case the guy deserved a good verbal slaughtering. But he didn't get one because he hadn't tipped the bartender yet.
I guess this was mostly a rant, but speaking as a person who can say a lot of impressive things; its nice to know that it doesn't matter what I say.

Soliloquoy

Looking back I suppose that I needed this blog to voice some things. The part of the novel that I am now aware that I will never finish is particularly telling I think. I needed a way to vent some anger and I succeeded. As usual there are some certain uncertainties that I am still working through. I am once again entering one of those transitional periods in my life. Yet another opportunity to change the course of my life radically.

I never fail to amuse myself when I ask questions like "Where will I be in a year?" This is amusing to me because even if I have a plan, a shoulder shrug is the most honest answer. Is this a lack of direction? Desire? Neither I think. I think that I am merely unwilling to state my goals publicly because my luck is best described (by me) as being as bad as it can possibly be and still be funny. Thus stating goals will only ensure that I will look like an idiot. If I don't state them, then I will have the inner satisfaction of being the only one that knows that I am an idiot. Also I don't want to rule out anything.

As I approach my 25th year, I suppose it may be time to start thinking about a career. Mostly I don't want to. I'm afraid that I'll choose something that I hate. My jobs have tended to be in the bearable. I don't want a bearable career. I want an enjoyable career.

Too much to ask?

Drawing the Line

So this is the personal dilemma that I am currently attempting to work through:

Where is the line that demarcates healthy introspection from selfishness?

This is the question that I have been posing to myself for at least 4 or 5 months, and now I pose it to you. I have been trying to solve various aspects of this for a long time. The first time that it occurred to me in any form was in 1 Corinthians class with Jim Snyder. At that point it was something like, "Where is the line between personal freedom in Christ and causing your brother to stumble?" Obviously I still don't have a solution, because I'm still thinking about it.

Why am I thinking about it? I suspect that I may be selfish. One of the reasons that I have been trying to crack this one for so long is that I want to determine what I can do. I suppose I could always appeal to the conscience rule, and I think that the conscience rule can be very helpful. I use it all the time just like you do. But when a person is like me, which is to say that they are really good at pissing people off, they are always looking for new ways to challenge peoples beliefs, to get them to think about what they believe and why.

In Gospels class, Weatherly said several times that the Gospel message is divisive by its very nature. Jesus' teaching specifically causes a state where the hearer, when discovering that he doesn't understand what the hell Jesus is talking about, can either focus outwardly and reject the message and the messenger, or they can focus inwardly and try to figure out why they don't understand. This concept is something that I take very seriously. When I don't understand something, I try to understand why. I try to understand my perspective and if other perspectives are possible. Is it possible to carry this to far? Of course it's possible to take anything to far, but I don't want to be self absorbed about everything. Most of you who know me know that I am very laid back and I am glad that such is the case. But the "trying to understand things" part of me never shuts off, this might be the only thing (excepting the obvious) that doesn't shut off.

Something else that I have come up with (as far as I know) is that I firmly believe that what you believe about other people gives you the necessary perspective for dealing with how you think about yourself. Thus if you can recognize how you typically characterize people etc., this can tell you how you think, which is something about yourself. Without trying to understand how you understand others, I think that it would be increasingly difficult to understand yourself. Language is a system that is very much built on difference. One of the ways that we know the color red is that it isn't blue, yellow, or green. I think the same is true of people, we only know a person by seeing what they are not in addition to what they are.

Do we ever reach a point where there is no bullshit, in any area of our lives? The fact of the matter is that when/if that occurs (rarely) you end up with a new problem. For instance, the closest relationship I ever had with a person outside of my family, was a very close relationship (first serious girlfriend), and when we got to the point where we knew practically everything about each other, small things started to annoy the piss out of me. This is the problem that a lack of bullshit incites. All of the sudden you know too much about a person and there are various ways of dealing with this. I went with the ending the relationship option, and that started a new set of problems.

Thus I think that it would be safe to say that everyone and every point in their life is dealing with some sort of problem. When this problem is solved or at least dealt with, new problems arise and you work on those. The question then, is are my problems worth talking about? Is bullshit the problem or the solution? The fact is I crave all sorts of relationships with different people. There is nothing wrong with this, however, wanting to be able to dictate the terms of all those relationships may be unrealistic/sadistic. Keeping up with the bullshit so that all of these relationships are moving in the direction you want is exhausting, and worthless anyway. But I think we all do it.

This is a main component of what I would define as a selfish person. A person who is always working for their own benefit in every relationship they have. By this definition I would hope that I managed to exclude myself. But why do you hang out with certain people? For me, the answer to that question is that they don't annoy the piss out of me. For you it may be a different answer. Nevertheless we have come right back to where we started. Can a person pursue all types of relationships without being selfish? Can one pursue a betterment of the self, without being selfish?

I need a better definition for selfish. And I think that this may fall under the "get the eff over it!" category. I have said many times to friends that our entire school would benefit a tremendous amount if they just got the eff over it. I think that I am too introspective much of the time, and I think that it makes me selfish. When I read over this post again all I am going to think is "selfish selfish selfish."

I realized the other day that my "luck" is as bad as it can be and still be funny. Is trying to figure out why that is selfish?

*You have just taken a tour of a small section of my brain, what I hope is a healthily but not overly introspective section. Feel free to comment on any part.

Who Really Knows

Here we are yet again. Another academic year comes to a close, more people graduate, sometimes never to be seen again. Even more people don't graduate. Spring is all around us, its wedding invitation season, getting a tattoo season, finding a real job season, and about eight other different seasons in addition to cram-everything-in-my-head-as-quickly-as-possible season, the most renowned of all the academic seasons. In essence we are in the midst of a time of year where a more than usual amount of change takes place, and yet I remain the same.

This year was my sixth year of post secondary education. I am now 24 years old. I feel like I have accomplished nothing in those 24 years except think of two very awesome band names, beat the two Guitar Hero games on expert, and refine my taste for music to the highest level (heavy metal of course). Scholastically speaking what have I achieved? A Bachelor's degree, a years worth of Master's work and a good idea for a thesis. Is it really the journey that is more important than the destination? As someone who is also on the journey leg, I'm kind of doubting it. However, I'm not sure I would change much about my life and the way things have happened. Obviously I would change a few things, but most of the things that I wish were different are things that are out of my control, so there's no point in wanting to change them.

When we think about ourselves, can we be objective? Is it worth it to think about yourself? Still working on those, which is somewhat paradoxical, especially in the case of the second question. But then again if I didn't have paradox, I wouldn't have anything.

I know that I am too introspective and need to get over myself a little bit. I also need to get over the mild discontentment that I usually have. Honestly I have it pretty good, its just not pretty good the way that I want it. I feel like I want something to pour myself into, but school work isn't good enough. Family isn't good enough. Helping other people isn't good enough. Work sure as hell is not good enough.

God, I love paradox.

Life and Death

So there are a couple of reasons for this post. First of all, if you are so inclined I would like for you to pray for my family. My paternal grandfather is currently in ill health. Basically, his heart is very near congestive failure, and we are now measuring life expectancy in hours and days. He is a good Christian man, who never met a person he wouldn't speak to. Nevertheless, such things are still difficult. I will miss him tremendously when he does pass away, but we have said everything to each other that needs to be said. Truth be told, I was not expecting him to live through Saturday night, so when I went to see him (he is in intensive care and can only be visited two at a time for half-hour windows four times a day) late Saturday evening, I told him how much I loved him and asked him if he believed me when I said that, and he replied that he knew I meant it and he loved me too. Then I told him how much I admired him and how glad I was that he is my Pappaw (thats what we call him). He responded by telling me that he was glad that I am his grandson. We were always very close and I'm ok with it I think. The reason I want you to pray for my family if you are so inclined, besides the obvious one, is that I am afraid that some of my aunts are not really viewing things realistically, or at least the way they are talking about him getting better and coming home in a few weeks isn't realistic. This being the case I think that it might hit them extra hard when he passes. Also just pray for my family for the upcoming time that will follow by Grandfather's eventual death, hopefully everything will go smoothly and it doesn't turn into something unfortunate.

Because of the health situation of my Grandfather, I have been thinking about death a lot recently. I feel like maybe my views on my own death would be very different from what an average person would hold. I don't know if this line of thinking is selfish or not, but I just want to say that as of right now my only real feelings about death is that I am glad it happens. Intellectually I know I'm going to die, I doubt that I can fully understand that and the practical implications, but I believe my death will not end my existence. Thus, whether irrationally or not, I look at it as yet another event down the road. I have expressed to others the feeling that I am just along for the ride. So far my life hasn't been perfect, but the best parts of it have had very little to do with what I thought I wanted and quite a lot to do with where God wanted me, to use a Restorationism. For instance, I have wanted to start a thrash/speed metal band for a long time. The only problem with this is that I have musical talent of about 1.5 on a scale of ten. So I'll never be able to start the band Douchenozzle or Graffenburg Estuary. However, I play Guitar Hero well enough to keep myself illusioned in this area of my life, so it works out. Practically speaking that's sort of a non-sequiter, but the point is that there are a lot of things I wanted/ still want, but for the most part they haven't worked out like I planned. I wanted an engineering degree, I got a biblical studies degree, but I still got a degree, had a great college experience and have (theoretically at least) set it up so that I will be more employable than my father (which is laughable if you know him, he's good at everything he does, I'm good enough at most things for other people to be obviously better than me. I mean I can fight better than him, I can cuss better than him, but thats about it). I have always wanted a Jeep or a sports car, and I have had a Dodge Aries and Toyota Corolla wagon. I like jobs where I can do my work and not have to deal with a lot of people, but all of the jobs I have had were customer/people service based. These are the kind of things that have happened to me as long as I can remember, so last year, around this time I realized that mellowing out a little more (I was already pretty vanilla, but one exception was trying to plan my life and bend my own life to my will) was in my best interest. So I said something like "Well, I wouldn't mind staying in Cincinnati if I can, so I'll need a job and a place to live." I also said something like "I'd like to go to Grad school too if I can." So what happened, Vinny and myself found a house and some roommates. Then last June when I was starting to get desperate and old minister and friend put me in touch with a guy and I got this wonderful job where I get paid to do my homework and valet cars that are mostly nicer than mine. Next I got accepted to the grad school and they awarded me a scholarship so that I can afford to go to school without incurring more debt. (The worst thing about education is that no matter what level you are participating in, you are always being forced to look at the next level and plan ahead for that.)

So basically I have been taught that whatever control I have is marginal at best, and rather than acting like an ass as others are want to do, I decided that I am just along for the ride. Que Sera Sera indeed, I'm just going to keep thanking God for feeding me and clothing me, and letting me have some free time, and having such awesome family and friends. What else can you do? I mean practically speaking. We hear this kind of shit all the time in a Sunday school Q & A format that nobody pays attention to anymore. If I could just convince myself to let go of everything I feel like I would really be getting somewhere. I decided to let go of my time with my Grandfather here because it had never been mine really. Hopefully I can realize this about other things with less drastic attention grabbers.

"This is my commandment, that you love one another."
"It is not good for man to be alone."
"Two can stand back to back and fight, and a cord of three strands is not easily broken."
"Bear one another's burdens and pray for those who persecute you."
"We have this treasure in jars of clay . . ."

Lord, As you will and as you know, Amen.