Life and Death

So there are a couple of reasons for this post. First of all, if you are so inclined I would like for you to pray for my family. My paternal grandfather is currently in ill health. Basically, his heart is very near congestive failure, and we are now measuring life expectancy in hours and days. He is a good Christian man, who never met a person he wouldn't speak to. Nevertheless, such things are still difficult. I will miss him tremendously when he does pass away, but we have said everything to each other that needs to be said. Truth be told, I was not expecting him to live through Saturday night, so when I went to see him (he is in intensive care and can only be visited two at a time for half-hour windows four times a day) late Saturday evening, I told him how much I loved him and asked him if he believed me when I said that, and he replied that he knew I meant it and he loved me too. Then I told him how much I admired him and how glad I was that he is my Pappaw (thats what we call him). He responded by telling me that he was glad that I am his grandson. We were always very close and I'm ok with it I think. The reason I want you to pray for my family if you are so inclined, besides the obvious one, is that I am afraid that some of my aunts are not really viewing things realistically, or at least the way they are talking about him getting better and coming home in a few weeks isn't realistic. This being the case I think that it might hit them extra hard when he passes. Also just pray for my family for the upcoming time that will follow by Grandfather's eventual death, hopefully everything will go smoothly and it doesn't turn into something unfortunate.

Because of the health situation of my Grandfather, I have been thinking about death a lot recently. I feel like maybe my views on my own death would be very different from what an average person would hold. I don't know if this line of thinking is selfish or not, but I just want to say that as of right now my only real feelings about death is that I am glad it happens. Intellectually I know I'm going to die, I doubt that I can fully understand that and the practical implications, but I believe my death will not end my existence. Thus, whether irrationally or not, I look at it as yet another event down the road. I have expressed to others the feeling that I am just along for the ride. So far my life hasn't been perfect, but the best parts of it have had very little to do with what I thought I wanted and quite a lot to do with where God wanted me, to use a Restorationism. For instance, I have wanted to start a thrash/speed metal band for a long time. The only problem with this is that I have musical talent of about 1.5 on a scale of ten. So I'll never be able to start the band Douchenozzle or Graffenburg Estuary. However, I play Guitar Hero well enough to keep myself illusioned in this area of my life, so it works out. Practically speaking that's sort of a non-sequiter, but the point is that there are a lot of things I wanted/ still want, but for the most part they haven't worked out like I planned. I wanted an engineering degree, I got a biblical studies degree, but I still got a degree, had a great college experience and have (theoretically at least) set it up so that I will be more employable than my father (which is laughable if you know him, he's good at everything he does, I'm good enough at most things for other people to be obviously better than me. I mean I can fight better than him, I can cuss better than him, but thats about it). I have always wanted a Jeep or a sports car, and I have had a Dodge Aries and Toyota Corolla wagon. I like jobs where I can do my work and not have to deal with a lot of people, but all of the jobs I have had were customer/people service based. These are the kind of things that have happened to me as long as I can remember, so last year, around this time I realized that mellowing out a little more (I was already pretty vanilla, but one exception was trying to plan my life and bend my own life to my will) was in my best interest. So I said something like "Well, I wouldn't mind staying in Cincinnati if I can, so I'll need a job and a place to live." I also said something like "I'd like to go to Grad school too if I can." So what happened, Vinny and myself found a house and some roommates. Then last June when I was starting to get desperate and old minister and friend put me in touch with a guy and I got this wonderful job where I get paid to do my homework and valet cars that are mostly nicer than mine. Next I got accepted to the grad school and they awarded me a scholarship so that I can afford to go to school without incurring more debt. (The worst thing about education is that no matter what level you are participating in, you are always being forced to look at the next level and plan ahead for that.)

So basically I have been taught that whatever control I have is marginal at best, and rather than acting like an ass as others are want to do, I decided that I am just along for the ride. Que Sera Sera indeed, I'm just going to keep thanking God for feeding me and clothing me, and letting me have some free time, and having such awesome family and friends. What else can you do? I mean practically speaking. We hear this kind of shit all the time in a Sunday school Q & A format that nobody pays attention to anymore. If I could just convince myself to let go of everything I feel like I would really be getting somewhere. I decided to let go of my time with my Grandfather here because it had never been mine really. Hopefully I can realize this about other things with less drastic attention grabbers.

"This is my commandment, that you love one another."
"It is not good for man to be alone."
"Two can stand back to back and fight, and a cord of three strands is not easily broken."
"Bear one another's burdens and pray for those who persecute you."
"We have this treasure in jars of clay . . ."

Lord, As you will and as you know, Amen.