GDSB!! FTRS!! WTF!!

I feel a little better already just after typing out that acronymified title. It's time for some complete honesty. Sometimes I hate myself. There is no easy way to say that, nothing that can soften the blow, I just plain hate myself sometimes. Nothing dramatic about it either. No matter what I do, no matter how well I try prepare myself for certain events in life, it doesn't matter. This is going to sound really snotty, but I am cursed with the ability to see the natural progression of things, especially social situations. Thus by this, I can see where things are going with various people. There are times that this ability can create a shadow on the horizon, because I just know something that I won't particularly appreciate is coming down the pipe. I have recently received some confirmation on two such events, one particularly unpleasant, and the other being something I just need to get the hell over.

This of course leads me to the statement, "I really hate myself sometimes." Why does my mind work a certain way? What the hell is God doing? Why did I have to learn something this way? Surely there is another way that I could have learned this lesson. All I can really come up with is, He has to be first. No compromises, nothing involving me. Its all his, and I need to learn it, and this was the way I had to learn it, I suppose because of the choices I have made in the past. But, I still really don't understand. I'm talking serious contemplation here, God made me this way, the way I construct things in my mind, the way that I believe certain things should happen, but when I follow these instincts I end up with some deep emotional scarring. I do not understand. I only wish to understand myself, I am confident in saying that I will never understand God, his ways are beyond my ways. For someone such as myself who is really only emotionally invested in a small group of people, it is really something when a particular incident gets me emotionally.

I don't hate my emotions, far from it. I recognize them as valuable, serving some purpose, but dammit. I don't remember EVER praying about something as much or as sincerely as this, and I am still unable to just get over the situation. I don't know if this happens to anybody else, but being the intensely logical person I am, when I arrive at a conclusion, I am generally quite set in that conclusion. I find it difficult to remove myself from that conclusion, no matter how logically I can make a case for the falsehood of said conclusion. By this point I have, if it involves a person, made some sort of emotional attachment to my conclusion. And no matter what, it seems that I cannot release that conclusion until I have created a huge mental problem that I then have to sort through in something like this.

I'm just so tired of this world. There is some great stuff here, but its all fleeting, and it just tires me completely to think about it. (Please note, I'm not suicidal or anything that severe, I'm just mostly pissed off at myself.) I feel like compared to other people I don't have much to complain about, but I'm just tired of it, and its only been twenty-three years. When I consider another fifty years here, I don't know if I can handle it. Maybe its penance, I don't know. There is so much I don't know, so much I want to know, so much I will learn, and yet so much I will never know. This particular problem is one that I have seen coming for almost six months, and despite my preparations, I still get blindsided. I don't understand why I can't just move on, and I am afraid that I am holding myself back. Maybe this particular deal will finally help me get over it.

No matter what I have, I bitch about what I don't have. Why can't I just get over it? That is the million dollar question at this point, and hopefully these events will bring some closure so that I can finally "get the hell over it."