Complete Objectivity And Other Biased Statements

Can it be?

2010-08-29T04:55:00.002-04:00

I'm pretty sure nobody even reads this anymore, not that I would blame them. When you don't update something for 16 months or so people lose interest and that includes the four people besides me who have ever looked at this blog.

My last post was attempting to reflect on the fact that I had just finished my thesis. I am now several months removed from that process and I can say definitively that the thesis experience was both intense and valuable. It appears that another intense and valuable experience may be on the horizon for me. But in the meantime, intense valuable life is occurring. Family life has been intensely occurring since the spring, and it appears that hopefully, just maybe, things will settle down for a moment or two.

Oh well, I was writing to kill time and now I'm out of it, so peace.

Milestones . . . I guess

2009-05-05T05:07:00.002-04:00

As I sit here at work at 5:08 in the morning, desperately trying to stay awake, I'm trying to force my brain to do the kind of thinking that keeps people up. Yesterday turned out to be quite the combo day. In addition to being my birthday, it was the day that I finally washed my hands of my thesis: I officially submitted it to the library in hard copy for binding. In the process of accomplishing this awesome day I managed to forget to work in my typical afternoon sleep installment. Thus my skull feels like it is approximately triple it normally enormous dimensions. Indeed, my forehead feels extra heavy this morning.

I've been trying to reflect on the experience that was writing a thesis. I think I'm still a little too close to it. It hasn't even really sunk in that I'm done with it. Nevertheless, I am yet again entering one of those transition times in my life that I often find myself writing about the uncertainty of the future. I feel like I have officially raised my own bar at this point, and that it is going to be harder to continue to impress myself.

At this point my only resolution is to do absolutely nothing constructive for a little while. But since my blog has been notoriously neglected while I was writing my thesis, I thought that I should write a little something here before blogspot deleted my account. I look forward to hopefully posting on here more than once a year for a while. Perhaps my research exhausted brain will slip back to its old ways.

They Got Game

2008-08-10T08:19:00.000-04:00

As is my common practice, this most recent Friday I went home to run some errands and see my mother, and go shopping with said mother. When we go shopping we typically go to lunch as well. On this particular occasion due to various veto's of other places by myself and my sister, who joined us, we ended up lunching at Applebees.
No problems so far, but as we entered the establishment I noticed two Gentlemen at the bar.
Again nothing out of the ordinary except its 12:30 on a Friday afternoon and these guys already have several under their belts.
Unfortunately the story doesn't end there and the two gentlemen slowly spent the next hour revealing that they are indeed King McDouche and Superchatch.
The restaurant was playing cheesy pop radio at a moderate volume, and so it happened that my sister and myself ended up singing Styx's "Babe" at a slightly less than moderate volume. During the course of the duet I noticed that some people in the next booth over were getting slightly annoyed at our vocal stylings, so I continued at a louder volume. It was then that King McDouche looked over his shoulder and started to try and intimidate me, but then wisely saw the futility of this action and changed his mind.
By the time we left I was wishing he had started a fight with me, at least that would have been over fast. Instead I got to listen to his and his buddy's witty reparte as they shamelessly flirted with the bartender who was approximately ten years tounger than them (I'm guessing) and did so with a level of "game" so similar to junior high that for a moment I thought I was at a CCU open dorm.
But the piece de resistance was to occur right before I departed, sane only by the grace of God and having not suffered a stroke only due to my youth. What follows is a direct quote to help you realize what I was listening to; to set up the context the two kings of crunk had recognized that there was a light out above the bar.
"You know, size matters. Even in light bulbs."
And of course you know the rest of the story, without missing a beat the bartender ripped off her trousers and proceeded to throw her underwear at the gentleman while straddling the bar and talking dirty with her eyes. And if you think that really happened you are a thirteen year old male.
Somehow the bartender managed to not laugh in his face, I managed not to have an aneurysm, and the world managed to keep spinning.
Wow. The sheer stupidity of the above quote is nearly immeasurable. To illustrate lets examine something that I heard a guy I had just met whose name I don't remember say one time: "A euphemism could mean anything. YEAH BOYS!!! I'M GOING TO GO HOME A PUT TOGETHER A 500 PIECE JIGSAW PUZZLE WITH HER TONIGHT." Ok fine, you're trying to get what I assume you thought was an attractive woman to think about the size of your penis. I sort of understand that. So you pull out your go-to imagery, (drum roll) the light bulb. WTF??? The light bulb? I think we missed a stop on the logic train. This line is so stupid that it sounds like a line that I would make up and use as a joke to set up one of my friends for a "Thats what she said!"
So naturally this all got me thinking about women again (most things do eventually) and pick up lines. I'm convinced its all about who is delivering the line and not what they say. This is a natural extension of ladder theory. If a woman likes the guy it doesn't matter what he says; he could claim to be a drug addict looking for someone to use and forget and she wouldn't care, especially if he looks rich. If she doesn't like the guy he could say the most charming, clever thing imaginable and she would probably make a comment about his lack of maturity before storming off to complain to her friends.
Clearly the bartender wasn't impressed (not that I can blame her), although in this case the guy deserved a good verbal slaughtering. But he didn't get one because he hadn't tipped the bartender yet.
I guess this was mostly a rant, but speaking as a person who can say a lot of impressive things; its nice to know that it doesn't matter what I say.

Soliloquoy

2008-02-28T22:52:00.002-05:00

Looking back I suppose that I needed this blog to voice some things. The part of the novel that I am now aware that I will never finish is particularly telling I think. I needed a way to vent some anger and I succeeded. As usual there are some certain uncertainties that I am still working through. I am once again entering one of those transitional periods in my life. Yet another opportunity to change the course of my life radically.

I never fail to amuse myself when I ask questions like "Where will I be in a year?" This is amusing to me because even if I have a plan, a shoulder shrug is the most honest answer. Is this a lack of direction? Desire? Neither I think. I think that I am merely unwilling to state my goals publicly because my luck is best described (by me) as being as bad as it can possibly be and still be funny. Thus stating goals will only ensure that I will look like an idiot. If I don't state them, then I will have the inner satisfaction of being the only one that knows that I am an idiot. Also I don't want to rule out anything.

As I approach my 25th year, I suppose it may be time to start thinking about a career. Mostly I don't want to. I'm afraid that I'll choose something that I hate. My jobs have tended to be in the bearable. I don't want a bearable career. I want an enjoyable career.

Too much to ask?

Drawing the Line

2007-05-23T04:55:00.001-04:00

So this is the personal dilemma that I am currently attempting to work through:

Where is the line that demarcates healthy introspection from selfishness?

This is the question that I have been posing to myself for at least 4 or 5 months, and now I pose it to you. I have been trying to solve various aspects of this for a long time. The first time that it occurred to me in any form was in 1 Corinthians class with Jim Snyder. At that point it was something like, "Where is the line between personal freedom in Christ and causing your brother to stumble?" Obviously I still don't have a solution, because I'm still thinking about it.

Why am I thinking about it? I suspect that I may be selfish. One of the reasons that I have been trying to crack this one for so long is that I want to determine what I can do. I suppose I could always appeal to the conscience rule, and I think that the conscience rule can be very helpful. I use it all the time just like you do. But when a person is like me, which is to say that they are really good at pissing people off, they are always looking for new ways to challenge peoples beliefs, to get them to think about what they believe and why.

In Gospels class, Weatherly said several times that the Gospel message is divisive by its very nature. Jesus' teaching specifically causes a state where the hearer, when discovering that he doesn't understand what the hell Jesus is talking about, can either focus outwardly and reject the message and the messenger, or they can focus inwardly and try to figure out why they don't understand. This concept is something that I take very seriously. When I don't understand something, I try to understand why. I try to understand my perspective and if other perspectives are possible. Is it possible to carry this to far? Of course it's possible to take anything to far, but I don't want to be self absorbed about everything. Most of you who know me know that I am very laid back and I am glad that such is the case. But the "trying to understand things" part of me never shuts off, this might be the only thing (excepting the obvious) that doesn't shut off.

Something else that I have come up with (as far as I know) is that I firmly believe that what you believe about other people gives you the necessary perspective for dealing with how you think about yourself. Thus if you can recognize how you typically characterize people etc., this can tell you how you think, which is something about yourself. Without trying to understand how you understand others, I think that it would be increasingly difficult to understand yourself. Language is a system that is very much built on difference. One of the ways that we know the color red is that it isn't blue, yellow, or green. I think the same is true of people, we only know a person by seeing what they are not in addition to what they are.

Do we ever reach a point where there is no bullshit, in any area of our lives? The fact of the matter is that when/if that occurs (rarely) you end up with a new problem. For instance, the closest relationship I ever had with a person outside of my family, was a very close relationship (first serious girlfriend), and when we got to the point where we knew practically everything about each other, small things started to annoy the piss out of me. This is the problem that a lack of bullshit incites. All of the sudden you know too much about a person and there are various ways of dealing with this. I went with the ending the relationship option, and that started a new set of problems.

Thus I think that it would be safe to say that everyone and every point in their life is dealing with some sort of problem. When this problem is solved or at least dealt with, new problems arise and you work on those. The question then, is are my problems worth talking about? Is bullshit the problem or the solution? The fact is I crave all sorts of relationships with different people. There is nothing wrong with this, however, wanting to be able to dictate the terms of all those relationships may be unrealistic/sadistic. Keeping up with the bullshit so that all of these relationships are moving in the direction you want is exhausting, and worthless anyway. But I think we all do it.

This is a main component of what I would define as a selfish person. A person who is always working for their own benefit in every relationship they have. By this definition I would hope that I managed to exclude myself. But why do you hang out with certain people? For me, the answer to that question is that they don't annoy the piss out of me. For you it may be a different answer. Nevertheless we have come right back to where we started. Can a person pursue all types of relationships without being selfish? Can one pursue a betterment of the self, without being selfish?

I need a better definition for selfish. And I think that this may fall under the "get the eff over it!" category. I have said many times to friends that our entire school would benefit a tremendous amount if they just got the eff over it. I think that I am too introspective much of the time, and I think that it makes me selfish. When I read over this post again all I am going to think is "selfish selfish selfish."

I realized the other day that my "luck" is as bad as it can be and still be funny. Is trying to figure out why that is selfish?

*You have just taken a tour of a small section of my brain, what I hope is a healthily but not overly introspective section. Feel free to comment on any part.

Who Really Knows

2007-05-09T01:25:00.000-04:00

Here we are yet again. Another academic year comes to a close, more people graduate, sometimes never to be seen again. Even more people don't graduate. Spring is all around us, its wedding invitation season, getting a tattoo season, finding a real job season, and about eight other different seasons in addition to cram-everything-in-my-head-as-quickly-as-possible season, the most renowned of all the academic seasons. In essence we are in the midst of a time of year where a more than usual amount of change takes place, and yet I remain the same.

This year was my sixth year of post secondary education. I am now 24 years old. I feel like I have accomplished nothing in those 24 years except think of two very awesome band names, beat the two Guitar Hero games on expert, and refine my taste for music to the highest level (heavy metal of course). Scholastically speaking what have I achieved? A Bachelor's degree, a years worth of Master's work and a good idea for a thesis. Is it really the journey that is more important than the destination? As someone who is also on the journey leg, I'm kind of doubting it. However, I'm not sure I would change much about my life and the way things have happened. Obviously I would change a few things, but most of the things that I wish were different are things that are out of my control, so there's no point in wanting to change them.

When we think about ourselves, can we be objective? Is it worth it to think about yourself? Still working on those, which is somewhat paradoxical, especially in the case of the second question. But then again if I didn't have paradox, I wouldn't have anything.

I know that I am too introspective and need to get over myself a little bit. I also need to get over the mild discontentment that I usually have. Honestly I have it pretty good, its just not pretty good the way that I want it. I feel like I want something to pour myself into, but school work isn't good enough. Family isn't good enough. Helping other people isn't good enough. Work sure as hell is not good enough.

God, I love paradox.

Life and Death

2007-04-02T01:52:00.000-04:00

So there are a couple of reasons for this post. First of all, if you are so inclined I would like for you to pray for my family. My paternal grandfather is currently in ill health. Basically, his heart is very near congestive failure, and we are now measuring life expectancy in hours and days. He is a good Christian man, who never met a person he wouldn't speak to. Nevertheless, such things are still difficult. I will miss him tremendously when he does pass away, but we have said everything to each other that needs to be said. Truth be told, I was not expecting him to live through Saturday night, so when I went to see him (he is in intensive care and can only be visited two at a time for half-hour windows four times a day) late Saturday evening, I told him how much I loved him and asked him if he believed me when I said that, and he replied that he knew I meant it and he loved me too. Then I told him how much I admired him and how glad I was that he is my Pappaw (thats what we call him). He responded by telling me that he was glad that I am his grandson. We were always very close and I'm ok with it I think. The reason I want you to pray for my family if you are so inclined, besides the obvious one, is that I am afraid that some of my aunts are not really viewing things realistically, or at least the way they are talking about him getting better and coming home in a few weeks isn't realistic. This being the case I think that it might hit them extra hard when he passes. Also just pray for my family for the upcoming time that will follow by Grandfather's eventual death, hopefully everything will go smoothly and it doesn't turn into something unfortunate.

Because of the health situation of my Grandfather, I have been thinking about death a lot recently. I feel like maybe my views on my own death would be very different from what an average person would hold. I don't know if this line of thinking is selfish or not, but I just want to say that as of right now my only real feelings about death is that I am glad it happens. Intellectually I know I'm going to die, I doubt that I can fully understand that and the practical implications, but I believe my death will not end my existence. Thus, whether irrationally or not, I look at it as yet another event down the road. I have expressed to others the feeling that I am just along for the ride. So far my life hasn't been perfect, but the best parts of it have had very little to do with what I thought I wanted and quite a lot to do with where God wanted me, to use a Restorationism. For instance, I have wanted to start a thrash/speed metal band for a long time. The only problem with this is that I have musical talent of about 1.5 on a scale of ten. So I'll never be able to start the band Douchenozzle or Graffenburg Estuary. However, I play Guitar Hero well enough to keep myself illusioned in this area of my life, so it works out. Practically speaking that's sort of a non-sequiter, but the point is that there are a lot of things I wanted/ still want, but for the most part they haven't worked out like I planned. I wanted an engineering degree, I got a biblical studies degree, but I still got a degree, had a great college experience and have (theoretically at least) set it up so that I will be more employable than my father (which is laughable if you know him, he's good at everything he does, I'm good enough at most things for other people to be obviously better than me. I mean I can fight better than him, I can cuss better than him, but thats about it). I have always wanted a Jeep or a sports car, and I have had a Dodge Aries and Toyota Corolla wagon. I like jobs where I can do my work and not have to deal with a lot of people, but all of the jobs I have had were customer/people service based. These are the kind of things that have happened to me as long as I can remember, so last year, around this time I realized that mellowing out a little more (I was already pretty vanilla, but one exception was trying to plan my life and bend my own life to my will) was in my best interest. So I said something like "Well, I wouldn't mind staying in Cincinnati if I can, so I'll need a job and a place to live." I also said something like "I'd like to go to Grad school too if I can." So what happened, Vinny and myself found a house and some roommates. Then last June when I was starting to get desperate and old minister and friend put me in touch with a guy and I got this wonderful job where I get paid to do my homework and valet cars that are mostly nicer than mine. Next I got accepted to the grad school and they awarded me a scholarship so that I can afford to go to school without incurring more debt. (The worst thing about education is that no matter what level you are participating in, you are always being forced to look at the next level and plan ahead for that.)

So basically I have been taught that whatever control I have is marginal at best, and rather than acting like an ass as others are want to do, I decided that I am just along for the ride. Que Sera Sera indeed, I'm just going to keep thanking God for feeding me and clothing me, and letting me have some free time, and having such awesome family and friends. What else can you do? I mean practically speaking. We hear this kind of shit all the time in a Sunday school Q & A format that nobody pays attention to anymore. If I could just convince myself to let go of everything I feel like I would really be getting somewhere. I decided to let go of my time with my Grandfather here because it had never been mine really. Hopefully I can realize this about other things with less drastic attention grabbers.

"This is my commandment, that you love one another."
"It is not good for man to be alone."
"Two can stand back to back and fight, and a cord of three strands is not easily broken."
"Bear one another's burdens and pray for those who persecute you."
"We have this treasure in jars of clay . . ."

Lord, As you will and as you know, Amen.

Yet Another Research Season With Random Thoughts

2007-03-26T02:51:00.000-04:00

So here we are again, rounding third and heading for home in yet another semester which of course, means that research papers will be due in about a month. For the first time in many a semester I do not have a mid sized research paper due, this semester I have a small paper (12 pages) and a presentation due, both in approximately a month. This semester is also unique in that I have actually considered and done some preliminary work for both of these assignments. Usually I get started about a week before the due date. I have noticed that I am finally getting to the point where the research that I want to do sounds interesting.

I am like most students in that when the end of the semester rolls around I'm tired. This is definitely the case again, however it is different as well. This is the second semester that I have worked and pursued and education to the extent that both were considered full time endeavors. Let me assure you if you are not already aware that this is an entirely new level of tired. I can't wait for summer so that I don't have to do anything but go to work, follow the Reds, try not to curse about the weather too much, and learn some Greek without having to show up for class.

Recently I feel like I have made a breakthrough personally and spiritually. The breakthrough has centered around forgiveness, and really just putting things out there, trying to enter a "no spin zone" in my own mind. I really think that I have been too introspective for my own good the last year or so, and that I need to focus on helping other people in small insignificant ways. Pumping gas, opening doors, buying meals, giving rides, hanging out, not criticizing so much, these sorts of things. Although I still find myself trying harder as opposed to letting go, I have a feeling that it will take a while to change this.

Why do I feel like I am truly not afraid of death? The old saying states that whenever a man tells you that he isn't afraid to die, you are supposed to shake his hand and then call him a liar. Maybe I'm just convinced that life here isn't all that spectacular. Sure, there are some things that are truly enjoyable, and there are others that are just as deplorable. Whenever I go, I'll be ready. Or at least I seem to be able to say so, and as far as I can tell, I'm not lying. Who knows?

Oh well.

Hard To Believe, Little To Worry About

2007-02-26T04:27:00.000-05:00

I just realized that it is nearly March of 2007 and I have not yet posted on this blog. The only real personal news to tell is that my hair is going to be growing out for a while now, on a daily trial basis.

My prompting for this particular post was the news that one of my friends is currently a self described atheist. This is very interesting to me given the particular sub-culture that we are both a part of. I must admit that I am initially attracted to this type of view for a few reasons. 1) Moral and ethical obligations go flying out the window. 2) People from my particular sub-culture get really pissed off and uber-defensive about said position. 3) The general intrigue surrounding ones thoughts when one is able to categorically deny the existence of a divine being intrigues me. Now I have not spoken to this friend about said views because I do not want to come off as one of those people who are trying to win this person back to the faith. I know how much that would piss me off. Also, although I disagree with this friend, I'm fairly sure I would not be able to convince them that atheism is not the most consistent position, not to mention that this friend is probably ten times smarter than myself, and about 100 times smarter in this particular area of study. Perhaps the biggest reason is that I do not sense that this is a big deal. Not to say that I think that it is a temporary position, but rather I feel that it is indeed a stop on a much longer journey of thought and intellectual development in the spiritual sphere.

As I implied, I am not particularly enamored with atheism and its various tenets, but I am more than willing to accept people who disagree for well argued and thought through reasons. Furthermore, I am pretty much convinced that the sub-culture we are both a part of will spend the better part of the next few months trying to win my friend "back into the fold," which is probably a terrible idea.

Perhaps the biggest reason that I will not discuss this with my friend is that although friends, we are not particularly close, and who wants to argue with an acquaintance about religious theism and side issues? Once again, I am well aware how much that type of thing would piss me off.

Was it a shock? Yes. Am I still shocked? No. Am I worried? Also no, more like slightly concerned in the sense that I want to hear the thought process that lead my friend to said position, nothing more.

Such is life.

A Rather Famous Timeline

2006-12-17T00:59:00.000-05:00

So I just found this on one of my other blogs and felt the need to re-post it here. Hope you can laugh a few times about this one.

Below is the much anticipated time line of American History, a Blue Collar Scholars production, with Heather Maas providing her famous note-taking skills so that the process could be captured for everyone. If there was anyway to get her to type it up I probably would have went for that, although I doubt such a way exists. Without further delay:

Blue Collar Scholars

in association with THE ESTEEMED DOCTOR SMITH

Present

A Time Line of The Country that Produced Chuck Norris but not Dolph Lundgren (The United States)

A Long Time Ago- Tribes from Asia cross over a glacial land bridge.

c.1000- Leif Erikson lands on the east coast, intending to start a colony, but Native Americans prevent this.

In General- A series of European explorers attempt to exploit America. Something about a Columbus guy.

-Puritans start a colony and ruin all of the fun.

-Several other European nations also start colonies. The English and French become the dominant powers on the continent, all the while development of the Native Americans is ignored setting a trend for future generations.

1754-1763- England and France fight a war for dominance of the continent.

-For a series of economic and political reasons, the English colonies choose to attempt to separate themselves from the power of the Crown.

1783-They succeed and independence is achieved.

1788- The U.S. Constitution is written.

1799- George Washington relinquishes power, much to the surprise of the rest of the world, setting the trend for two term presidencies.

1812-1814- The War of 1812.

1820's- Monroe Doctrine drafted and promptly ignored by the rest of the world. (See "Well its important to us!")

1860-The issues of slavery and states rights comes to a head; the writ of habeas corpus is suspended by Lincoln amid much controversy both then and now.

-Industrial Revolution

-Imperialism (under different name we can't remember), Teddy Roosevelt, Panama comes into existence so that we can build a canal.

1917-1918- WW1, Isolationism is Dead! (Seriously we were neutral the first three years, fricking Lusitania anyway!!)

-Prohibition and the realization of a mistake.

-The Great Depression.

1940-Chuck Norris is born.

1941-1945- WW2 drags us kicking and screaming out of the depression by giving our economy a kick in the pants.

-Cold War and Baby Boom both begin. Coincidence? We think not.

-McCarthyism (Need we say more?)

-Blacklisting

October 1962-Cuban Missile Crisis.

November 1963-Kennedy Assassination, Oliver Stone wets his pants.

-Civil Rights Movement

**Potentially Most Important Entry In This Time Line To Immediately Follow**

-Sexual Revolution makes it possible for us to have sex with whoever or whatever we want with no consequences except of course for the natural consequence that we couldn't get rid of like STD's, unwanted pregnancies, and emergence of the condom as the most popular method of birth control to not be used.

**The Potentially Most Important Entry In This Time Line Immediately preceeded this.**

-The War In Vietnam, once again Oliver Stone wets his pants.

-Richard Nixon?

-Reagan, Reagan, Reaganomics, Who was Jimmy Carter anyway?

-Star Wars (The Satellites, not the movies)

1983-Return of the Jedi released.

1988- Berlin Wall falls, liberal songwriters can now lament over its absence.

1991-First Gulf War.

1992- Election of Clinton.

-Bosnia, Lewinski, the definition of "is", and a bigger joke, the nomination of Ruth Bader-Ginsburg for the Supreme Court.

2000- Bush defeats living corpse for office-barely.

September 11, 2001- While one of the authors of this time line was sitting in Political Science class at the University of Louisville, Fundamentalist Islamic terrorist crash jumbo jets into the World Trade Center, Pentagon, and a random field in Pennsylvania. Mass panic and religious hysteria ensues, the rapture nearly occurs, Fred Phelps and Pat Robertson go away angry, but at least they went away for a while.

2006- In Prison Epistles class, the Blue Collar Scholars produce a historic time line with the intent of amusing themselves and making a random sex joke. Hilarity ensues.

So thats that, I hope you found it interesting, and if you didn't I don't care because I intend on writing history.

So that time line is almost a year old now. Good times.

GDSB!! FTRS!! WTF!!

2006-12-06T05:09:00.000-05:00

I feel a little better already just after typing out that acronymified title. It's time for some complete honesty. Sometimes I hate myself. There is no easy way to say that, nothing that can soften the blow, I just plain hate myself sometimes. Nothing dramatic about it either. No matter what I do, no matter how well I try prepare myself for certain events in life, it doesn't matter. This is going to sound really snotty, but I am cursed with the ability to see the natural progression of things, especially social situations. Thus by this, I can see where things are going with various people. There are times that this ability can create a shadow on the horizon, because I just know something that I won't particularly appreciate is coming down the pipe. I have recently received some confirmation on two such events, one particularly unpleasant, and the other being something I just need to get the hell over.

This of course leads me to the statement, "I really hate myself sometimes." Why does my mind work a certain way? What the hell is God doing? Why did I have to learn something this way? Surely there is another way that I could have learned this lesson. All I can really come up with is, He has to be first. No compromises, nothing involving me. Its all his, and I need to learn it, and this was the way I had to learn it, I suppose because of the choices I have made in the past. But, I still really don't understand. I'm talking serious contemplation here, God made me this way, the way I construct things in my mind, the way that I believe certain things should happen, but when I follow these instincts I end up with some deep emotional scarring. I do not understand. I only wish to understand myself, I am confident in saying that I will never understand God, his ways are beyond my ways. For someone such as myself who is really only emotionally invested in a small group of people, it is really something when a particular incident gets me emotionally.

I don't hate my emotions, far from it. I recognize them as valuable, serving some purpose, but dammit. I don't remember EVER praying about something as much or as sincerely as this, and I am still unable to just get over the situation. I don't know if this happens to anybody else, but being the intensely logical person I am, when I arrive at a conclusion, I am generally quite set in that conclusion. I find it difficult to remove myself from that conclusion, no matter how logically I can make a case for the falsehood of said conclusion. By this point I have, if it involves a person, made some sort of emotional attachment to my conclusion. And no matter what, it seems that I cannot release that conclusion until I have created a huge mental problem that I then have to sort through in something like this.

I'm just so tired of this world. There is some great stuff here, but its all fleeting, and it just tires me completely to think about it. (Please note, I'm not suicidal or anything that severe, I'm just mostly pissed off at myself.) I feel like compared to other people I don't have much to complain about, but I'm just tired of it, and its only been twenty-three years. When I consider another fifty years here, I don't know if I can handle it. Maybe its penance, I don't know. There is so much I don't know, so much I want to know, so much I will learn, and yet so much I will never know. This particular problem is one that I have seen coming for almost six months, and despite my preparations, I still get blindsided. I don't understand why I can't just move on, and I am afraid that I am holding myself back. Maybe this particular deal will finally help me get over it.

No matter what I have, I bitch about what I don't have. Why can't I just get over it? That is the million dollar question at this point, and hopefully these events will bring some closure so that I can finally "get the hell over it."

Why Martial Arts?

2006-08-19T01:30:00.000-04:00

I say life goes on because I am finally starting to chill out about myself a little based on changes in my life, but I want to relate a story to you. I know a girl who is a survivor not a victim. The very martial arts that I subscribe to and practice helped a girl sucessfully defend herself and her body from two attackers/would be rapists who HAD A KNIFE TO HER THROAT, AND SHE KNOCKED ONE OF THOSE PIECES OF SCUM OUT! ON THE SIDEWALK OUT COLD; KNOCKED THEM OUT. Her only mistake was that she didn't use the bastards own knife against him which she easily could have done. So life goes on for her and she is a survivor and not a victim, because she remembered to breathe. She said that she felt her heart racing and she started to freak out, but she remembered to breathe, and after that everything slowed down, and then she threw down. She elbowed a guy in the chest hard enough to knock him out and then she started kicking him in the face. I barely know her, but I am so proud of her, and I want all of you to know that that is what martial arts are about. Martial arts are about becoming a good person, and when you see evil occuring you stop it from happening. I will never personally be able to understand this particular type of threat, or how she must have felt when this was happening, because this is a situation that I will probably never be in, but the only thing left to say is God Bless her, and rock on girl.

"The only way for evil men to succeed is for good men to do nothing."

Making Hay

2006-08-16T20:50:00.001-04:00

Often it seems to me that while my life goes on, life changes drastically for everyone else. Does everyone feel this way? For instance back in junior high school I had a good friend named Bill who moved away and was able to call me several years later because he remembered my parents number, and of course I still lived there. I started the post with often and not always because recently my life has changed drastically along with most of my friends, albeit in different ways. It seems that no one (including myself) ever knows how anything is going to work out for me, whether it be jobs, school, relationships, or anyting else. Stopping short of teen angst, however, I will instead choose to view this for what it is, and be happy with what I have. as a later part of this post I do want to include a "chapter" from a novel that I am attempting to write. As of yet it has no genre classification, maybe I'll save that until I finish the book. But to the readers of this post, whoever they may be, I must admit that the chapter (as well as the book) will turn out to be much more autobiographical than I ever intended, and if you think that you recognize yourself and find yourself offended, all I can say is its the way I look at things, don't take it personal. I say that if you are one of my friends. If you aren't one of my friends, what do you care? You won't find anything patently false. One further note to prepare you, I also found this to be a bit edgier than I initially expected.

“Even the women who are attracted to me don’t want to date me.” This was the thought that brought him to the precipice. Little did he know that this was a turning point, and how he dealt with this particular insight into his own life would drastically affect later decisions that he would make in his life, especially decisions about women. Rather than becoming embittered, resentful, or homosexual; the thought struck him as funny. Because of the way that he viewed his life, classifying this statement as funny simply made sense to him; because when it came to the inconsequential in life, he always wound up getting screwed, in a comical, slightly ironic sort of way. The things that didn’t matter to him all that much, except on a superficial level, always seemed to end with that ironic twist, and this, he felt was what fine tuned his sense of humor throughout his (comedic) developmental years. If it were an athletic contest he would be the victim of the massive comeback or the completely improbable upset. When it came to strangers, his appearance often lead to a misunderstanding of who and what he was, he found it easy to intimidate those he didn’t care to intimidate while those whom he would have preferred to scare shitless managed to dismiss his strong personality.
He got used to laughing at himself and the situations he found himself in because it made life easier, but also because he genuinely thought that the incidents were funny. At a time when comedy was becoming increasingly more vulgar and raunchy, he came to believe that true comedy relied on the unexpected, the ironic, and most importantly, the blatantly sarcastic. Vulgarity and raunchiness were reserved for more delicate situations that as a whole were funny, but the parts consisted more of taking a persons expectations and ripping them a new one for it, once again the unexpected. Thus cursing became the ultimate exclamation point of a funny conversation, not an every other word affair. Strangers rarely heard him curse, although they found it easy to believe that he did.
“Is that funny?’ is a question that many people ask. “Why is that funny?” however, tends to be a whole other matter, one seemingly reserved for the college male with slightly above average intelligence. Those stuck in the college male mindset (see: Hollywood) often favor vulgarity a raunchiness for shock value, for press time, and for whatever other reasons that Hollywood does this. His life was driven by both of these questions, as well as a third question that was more complex and perhaps the most vital to the sense of humor that developed in him: “How can I help people?” This most often manifested itself in a spiritual aspect. His faith, he would tell you, was strong; and for the most part it was, but he also felt that it lacked practicality. Which is to say he felt that he had trouble manifesting his will to help people.
Thus the development of his humor came about in such a way that he felt he could help people by making them laugh. He was not the first to have this thought occur to him, but because of the unique sub-culture that he grew up in, the humor came in a different flavor than most humor. Thus when “Even the women who are attracted to me don’t want to date me,” rolled through his brain very early on a Friday morning, he stepped up to the precipice of a long a bitter life, and wisely chose to take himself less seriously. His faith told him that the woman for him was out there somewhere, perhaps he already knew her, and perhaps he didn’t. His faith also told him to expect the unexpected, and that perhaps in a divine effort to make his faith grow, she would not be out there, that he must be ready to accept that the only thing he really wanted might be denied him because of the priority problem that this could create with the faith.
His feelings for women ranged from admiration to lust, and he was perhaps the first to recognize in his own mind the way that he tended to attracted to women on different levels. It was easy to say that a woman was hot, or that a girl was cute. It was quite another matter for him to admit that when his full-blown attraction meter went off was when he knew a girl was smarter than he was, and he thought that she was hot. The mixing of the juvenile and the intellectual again struck him as funny, perhaps in a way that it could only strike him as funny. Thus when the precipice of a life of bitterness was approached it came when he was thinking about “the one that got away.”
Characterizing her as “the one that got away” isn’t even really accurate, as he himself would admit, perhaps a more accurate turn of phrase would be “the one that he almost got a chance to have a chance with, when in reality he never really has much of chance.” I know that sounds confusing, I think I got confused thinking it, but stick with me. His attraction to her started in much the same way that all college attractions do, he had a freshman class with her, and even though he never spoke to her that year, he definitely admired her from a distance. At this point she was only “hot” and not causing the attraction meter to explode because he didn’t know her. Then came the sophomore year where he had some mutual friends with her but never really said more than “hello.” All the while he was laughing at himself for his junior high swan song that was being set up. Then of course the inevitable happened as she started casually dating one of their mutual friends late in the school year when people like him finally got motivated enough to do something. Then came the junior year, a discovery of a common major and the foundation for a mildly affectionate friendship. The relationship he had known about (the mutual friend) had ended at the end of the last school year, so he was poised to strike, and when he finally decided to strike, (he struck four times, striking out each time with a polite no thank you) alas it was already too late, she had met someone over the summer, but he was completely unaware of this development and when he found out he promptly (to put it mildly) felt like a braying jackass. He had broken one of his own rules, albeit unknowingly. His rule was you never ask a girl out he is seeing someone else no matter how serious. But he was confused because he felt like she had known what all of the conversations were about (conversations that would cause the attraction meter to reach unmatched heights), why he was curious about her, etc. Something else struck him as odd about the situation too, he was at least 75% sure that she was, in fact, mildly interested and that had only recently changed because word was that she had only recently started dating this other gentleman. And so came the title “the one that he almost got a chance to have a chance with, when in reality he never really had much of chance.” Needless to say that he had some trouble clearing this of his mental palate, and this task was made more difficult what with constantly seeing here because of the similar classes and the identical majors.
I feel like its important her to point out that, other than possibly being slightly unhealthy for him mentally, there was nothing weird about this. He was simply in over his head with attraction before he really got his feet wet, thus the slight mental problems (if you even really wanted to cal them that). It definitely pissed him off that he could not just get over it and forget being attracted to her; but as someone very wise once said, “you cannot control who you are attracted to anymore than you can control who they are attracted to.” So when he thought about her out of the blue he would bludgeon himself with reality, and even try to exaggerate reality so that he could help himself get over her. But even the phrase “get over her” would have made him mad. He would have claimed that there was nothing to get over. He told himself that and several other things that summer before their senior year. He told himself that she would probably be engaged by Christmas. He told himself that once they graduated he would probably never see her again. No matter how much he battered himself with this, he couldn’t get her off of his brain. A random mentioning of her hometown in a novel he was reading, and other such preposterous, hilarious crap kept him from writing her off. He was proud to say that he never lusted after her, at least the way he understood lust. He kept himself from examining what it would be like to be with her sexually, instead when he couldn’t turn his thought to other things, he thought about how nice it must be to be in a relationship with her. This capped off with a brief experience with another girl at the end of his junior year laid two thirds of the framework for the statement, “Even the women who are attracted to me don’t want to date me.” The other third even he would discuss except to his closest friends, and never fully. Perhaps the easy way to say it is that his earlier romantic experiences were such that at one point he struck for convenience rather than true attraction and in so doing had, in many different senses of the phrase “fucked up.” Speaking of friends you may be asking, “just where were these friends?” The fact was he had good friends, great friends really; one of the only real benefits of the sub-culture that he inhabited. He loved his friends. If a person actually made it to the point that he would call them a friend, he loved them unconditionally and would do anything for them if he could. Anything. And thus his friends, who were busy dating, having steady girlfriends, and even getting married, put inadvertent pressure on the situation. He was abundantly happy for them, but it forced him to think about his own romantic situation more and more, and that always led to “the one that he almost got a chance to have a chance with, when in reality he never really had much of chance.” It was a vicious cycle and this story is about that cycle and the humor that was always there, through every situation that allowed him to get through it.

And if anybody knows anything about writing a novel, let me know so that I can improve this crap. I hate to keep apologizing, but I swear this is the last one. This is not intended as a "poor pitiful me" kind of thing, I'm simply working to express myself more professionally, and to try and let some things go that irk me.

Love you all, take care.

Random Thoughts on Womyn

2006-06-27T02:48:00.000-04:00

The random thoughts are once again prompted by that last great mystery of the universe, the Schumann Response Cavity. Ha-Ha, just kidding of course I was talking about womyn. As I look at how my personal views and opinions on Womyn have changed in the last, say, five years; I am forced to once again re-evaluate the role that physical attraction plays in the initial stages of any relationship, Christian or not depending on subculture, and how one of a more gentlemanly background might attempt to distance himself from this contradiction in the subculture. It almost always (there are no absolutes) begins with physical attraction, what else is there but the sight of a person when you don't know a damn thing about them, other than the fact that he or she can really fill out a sweater or a pair of blue jeans. A Christian (or anyone who is attempting to be chaste until their marriage) admitting that such raw sexuality is indeed right beneath the surface even in Bible College relationships is one step closer to remaining chaste. Not that this raw sexuality is necessarily evil, however it has been prescribed to us by those whom we hold in high esteem that fornication is wrong. It clouds the mind, it ruins young relationships, in essence it performs a delicate action known among our heavier rockers out there as a mindf*ck. In a Christian environment the first justifaction then comes, the "I'm going to marry them anyway, so it doesn't matter." Then panic insues at the first stages of difficulty, followed by the realization of rationalization. Admit it, the sexuality is what makes relationships happen, and when properly and respectfully dealt with, abstinence becomes a matter of choice rather than a lack of opportunity
In much the same way when one is studying the Bible, it is necessary to recognize a TYPE (do not want any misunderstandings here) of this sexuality. I'm not saying that you should become aroused when you see a GNT, rather what I am saying is that based on what we are we have tendencies to read thing the way we want to, to come up with Sunday school answers for legitimate textual variants and problems, as well as wanting to preserve the traditional interpretations that we have been presented with. We must acknowledge this desire lurking beneath the surface so that we can deal with is properly and respectfully. Perhaps only then will be begin to reverse the trend that cause the world of scholarship to turn its nose up at the word evangelical.
Thus it can be seen that our most vulgar thought can be twisted into a positive persepective on how we think about everything. Perhaps this is a topic for further research by the 434 Publishing group, a division of the Blue Collar Scholars, but how did we get here from my thoughts on Womyn? Those of you who are clever or know me well may have already guessed the engine that drives these thoughts, but the relationship with that one girl (whoever she may be) has been oft romanticized in my own mind. Now in my "older than most of the people who read this" age I can confidently say that the romanticized ideal is forever bullshit. If it happened once I would be surprised, every single relationship is different in its dynamic, and are similar only in coincidental ways. And still having said all this in the bluntest fashion it can be said outside of a third person discourse, I still have that intense desire for that one romanticized relationship wherein X and Y will no longer be problems and my perspective will become a cariacature of what it once was. Someone (me) once said that contradiction was the essence of romance. In light of this it should also be noted that when it comes to love, reason surrenders.

I supposethe only thing that really should be added here is this one fact. I am so tired of striking out, that only with great effort can I now lift the bat off of my shoulders and take a swing. I am still in the philsophical position where I can convince myself that I will ask any woman out, and perhaps thats true but the fact of the matter is that most of the time, I would rather not deal with it, any of it.

P.S. As a random side thought, If you consider yourself to be devoutly Pro-life, I recommend that you read "The Cider House Rules" and then decide why you are devoutly pro-life and your reasons for that.

Grey or Gray?

2006-06-08T22:26:00.001-04:00

That's right it's time for a new post! As I sit here right now I am seriously doubting how serious or focused this particular column will be, there are several things on my mind

1) I am finally in the process of reading The Godfather, I have read Mario Puzo before, but never his masterpiece, and am thoroughly enjoying this work of fiction. As a side issue I wonder how different I might have been had my family insisted on speaking German in the house after their immigration from the old country. I have recently started re-acquainting myself with the language of my forefathers, and can only conclude that das es gut, learning Das Alphabet once again.

2) The stack labeled "to read," now contains some interesting items, including Foucault's Pendulum by Umberto Eco, The Cider House Rules, by John Irving, and The Stand by Stephen King, hopefully they will not dissapoint; I've never read Eco before, but I am familiar with King and Irving and find their fiction consistently satisfies my taste for good storytelling.

3) How does the cultured man spell the word grey? English offers conflicting opinions on this matter, so the color will now be referred to as grau, since there is no confusion on this matter in German. The reason I muse about the farbe grau is that I have recently acquired some part-time employment that will "save me" from having to move back in with my parents. I will be performing the duties of a doorman, and it is necessary to wear grau slacks and a grau shirt, while the company will provide a burgundy blazer. I decided that it would be borderline impossible to find a shirt and pants that were the same shade of grau, so I did what any self-respecting man trying to purchase some new wardrobe items does, I called my mother. Ha-ha, I didn't really call my mother, I just thought about it. But I did end up with some fine selections that I think my mother would be proud of. The shirt I bought was a shade of grau known as nickel, and goes extremely well with the pinstriped charcoal slacks that I selected. I for one am proud of myself.

4) I questioned my ability to withstand another year and a half of this current presidency yesterday. I am personally so tired 0f hearing about how stupid the President is, that even the jokes of Conan O'Brien on the matter just barely made me laugh, and that laugh was out of respect for Conan, not because the joke was really funny.

5) I'm having trouble believing that David Lee Roth has released an album of Van Halen songs in the bluegrass style. Entitled "Strumming With the Devil," the album debuted yesterday is on my must buy list. I got to hear the bluegrass version of "Jump" and must admit that I was impressed with the performance, although it was decidedly lacking in high leg kicks. Nevertheless I am glad that this album is available for me to purchase.

I suppose its time to get back to the Corleone's struggle, Any comments should include the correct English spelling of grau.

More Comments on the Civil War

2006-05-27T17:03:00.000-04:00

The Union, it seems is somewhat of a romantic idea. The idea of unity is one that is cherished even today, (See Restoration Movement) at least in theory. Often it seems that while unity is praised as an idea, few are willing to do what it takes to create or preserve unity.

It is a delicate balance that must exist between State's rights and the preservation of the Union. As Bryan D. said it is indeed remarkable that the country was able to heal itself so quickly. This was, perhaps, possible because of the same ideals that caused the divide. That the men who chose to divide (for the most part) believed that they were doing something that was part of God's will, and that their defeat in the brutal conflict was once again part of God's will.

It seems to me that the United States at least belongs together. As for Chechnya and other places, I don't feel that I am well informed enough to comment on them, with the exception of Ireland. The events in Northern Ireland over the last (pick a time span) have truly been tragic. It is easy to say that it simply needs to end. Where does the responsibility fall? England? Catholics? Protestants? Mel Gibson? Dan Brown? It is my opinon that the situation there is near to being hopelessly convoluted. Perhaps if something is done now the conflict there will not carry on for the next 50 generations, and a small part of the world can heal. Suggestions as to how this might occur? I have none, perhaps more informed people can make suggestions. It seems to me that all of Ireland also belongs together, unless Northern Ireland wishes to remain part of England. Self-determination is an excellent idea I think. For many of us, Ireland is nothing other than a green place where they brew Guinness. Perhaps a more educated view is needed.

Where is the line that demarcates playing the hand you are dealt on one side and trying to end unjust treatment?

Somewhere in all of this we must decide where things like "taxation without representation" supercede Romans 13. Is revolution a Biblically responsible action? Is preserving the union a Biblically responsible action? Is there such a thing as a Biblically responsible action? If complete unity looks like the United Nations then I am no longer interested in unity.

Union/unity. A romantic idea.

My Fort Sumter

2006-05-24T00:30:00.000-04:00

Those of you who know me perhaps know that I am from Kentucky. Those of you who did not know that now do. Rather than attempting to explain that I have had the option of wearing shoes all my life, I would like to discuss an issue that has been swirling in my brain the past couple of days about the American Civil War.

I have heard this war described as "The American Iliad." It is the source of this description that started the wheels turning on this particular issue. I have recently subjected myself to reading a series of novels by Newt Gingrich and Dr. William Forstchen that are centered around the Battle of Gettysburg and a big what if. What if Lee had not attacked the Union position on July 2 and instead marched fifty miles to the Union rear, seizing their supply depot and cutting them off from Washington, thus forcing the Union to attack on unfavorable ground. In essence what would have happened had Lee followed the advice of one of his corps commanders, General Longsreet? The book contains a lot of military "detail" and seems entirely believable. I know as I read the story I found my sense of history and my heart being pulled in different directions. We all know that the North won the Civil War, but the book dares to ask what if?

Well, What if?

Without getting mired in issues that have been debated ad nauseum, I will make the following comment about the stated position of the Confederacy: Slavery is wrong, and State's rights are important. Let's say that by some unusual, although not impossible, series of events the South had won the Civil War. The aforementioned authors believe that the rest of the continent would then be fordoomed to even more secession and war as sections declared independence and European powers were removed. This seems to have some weight in it until one realizes that the states that did secede were by no stretch of the imagination completely unified, yet for some reason they held together. The answer to this puzzle seems to be that the concept of preserving the union was important to everyone, one that was only superseded by State's rights in the mind of some, and only then as a last resort.

It seems to me that if the Confederacy wins the war, it might possibly retain its independence and unity until World War 1 or the Great Depression. It took a herculean effort for the whole country to get through those times, and one must wonder if the South would have been able to support itself through those times. Reunification would most likely occur within a generation or two because of the similarity that would have existed between the two countries. Much is made of both the differences (factories, railroads, Military leadership etc.) and similarities (Brothers fighting Brothers, same religion, same language etc.) by pointy headed historians, but i say that the similarities would bring the South full circle and result in the reunification of the nation.

Thus as a Kentuckian I am forced to look at this in a very different way because I am completely objective. I am forced to be a proponent of State's rights when I see federal judges legislating from the bench; declaring state laws, approved by the people of that state, unconstitutional. However I am also forced to recognize the inherent weakness of the Confederate position declaring that they were fighting for their freedom while at the same time holding other men in bondage. Whats a good Southerner to do?

1. I will continue to make fun of all northern accents because, let's face it, you either sound like Vikings or you sound like you have a mouth full of cotton balls.

2. I will fail to pronounce a whole consonant whenever I choose in my pesonal speech.

3. I will continue to vote for candidates, not parties in an effort to not be a hypocrite.

4. I will continue to be a card carrying member of the "vast right wing conspiracy" while I have the chance.